The world’s most basic rules to being a datable man

Note: This post was from my old blog. Ideas and beliefs were those of a much younger soul and may no longer be representative of who I am.

Here’s a list of scientifically verifiable requirements for being an eligible bachelor early on in a courtship. You might be awesome on the inside but most women won’t give you the opportunity to show her if you don’t follow these rules.

1. Never have bad breath. Literally never, ever, is this acceptable (except first thing in the morning). You will NOT get kissed with bad breath. Tip: buy a Costco pack of gum and leave a couple in the car, a couple in your gym bag, a couple at the house, and maybe even one by the bed… and you’ll still have 5 as backstock.
2. Open doors. All doors. Car doors, restaurant doors, door to the house… spot an oncoming door? open it. This isn’t old fashioned, it’s courteous. Sure, we can open them ourselves, but why not set yourself apart from the bunch and do this.
3. Wear adult clothes. We’re all grown here, don’t wear kid shit. Even if we’re just going to IHOP, don’t show up in a once-black-but-washed-too-many-times screen tee that says Playboy and has a naked woman slapped across it (true story). Swap your screen tees for henleys. Switch your vans for boat shoes. Trade your frat shirts in for cardigans. Turn in your hoody for a shacket. Yes, shacket – if you don’t know, ask somebody. Exception: athletic clothes are generally sexy when worn correctly. See rule 5. 
4. Wash your balls. Like literally, just take a shower. You should NOT smell unless you just got finished working out or some other exigent circumstance in which you were sweating and unable to clean yourself.
5. Look good at the gym. Don’t wear neon yellow socks, Christmas Kobes, navy blue Jordan shorts, and a Party with Pi Phi t-shirt to the gym. I know it’s just the gym but honestly, the gym is just as important as the club. You meet more and better people there than you do at a bar/club, yet you spend 30 min getting ready to go out and only two minutes grabbing the first complete set of clothing off the floor you can find for the gym. Tip: buy a bunch of Nike workout clothes in grey and black. Then buy some Nike shoes in grey/black + one accent color. Now you don’t need to try, it’ll just happen. Voila!
6. Don’t name drop. No exceptions. If Elvis is your dad, your sister used to date Jay-Z,  your best friend styles Lady Gaga, your cousin is in the NBA, and your brother works for Donald Trump… DON’T TELL ME. I don’t care, I’m not impressed, and it does not raise your stock at all.
7. Be funny… but if you’re really not funny at all, just be extra nice. Maybe you can get a lame chick.
8. Say something. All too often guys approach me with literally no plan. If you say hi to me or tell me I’m beautiful I’m likely to respond “hi” or “thanks,” in which case you need to take control of the conversation or else it will come to an abrupt and uncomfortable end.
9. Don’t say too much. Some guys intro line was, “would  you ever go skydiving?” It was creative so I said yes, he said lets go. I said ok. Then he said “you’re too scared to skydive.” Wait, what? Have a plan, maybe a couple questions, then know when to either ask her out or take the L.
10. Clean your car. Whether you drive a 7 series or a Jetta, keep it clean. Outside and inside. You don’t need 3 hoodies, a chipotle bag, an old pair of football cleats, last years tax return, and an old x-ray from when your broke your collarbone snowboarding.
11. Drive like a man. Don’t let people cut you off, go safely above the speed limit, easy on the breaks, parallel park in one attempt, know your way around.
12. Work out. You may not have been an athlete your whole life but that’s no excuse to be a slob. No one wants a belly that you can see jiggle through your shirt. You’ve been blessed with a fast metabolism. Take advantage of it.
13. Handle your liquor. There’s nothing less attractive than a grown man who turns into a sloppy drunk. Don’t drunk dial me unless you have something novel and profound to tell me. If you must drunk text, say something nice and proofread it prior to sending. Don’t send me a 3am snapchat selfie of yourself sloshed.
14. Wear nice shoes. Nice doesn’t mean expensive. But don’t show up in some Sketchers and expect me to hear anything you say. If you can’t afford Bottega Venetas then get some leather Chucks. If you cant afford Ferragamo dress shoes, buy some Cole Haans. If you can’t afford Cole Haans then… well… save up. Tip: Toms are $40. 
15. Communicate. This is my absolute most important expectation out of a man and perhaps the one that proves most daunting to all malekind. If you’re running late, let me know. If plans changed, let me know. If you said you were gonna call and something came up, let me know. Instead of continuing on down the list of examples… just adhere to this one simple rule: always let me know.