Never Take the First Offer

They always say that when negotiating, you should never take the first offer. As Roger Dawson, Founder of the Power Negotiating Institute explains, “Never say Yes to the first offer or counter-offer from the other side. It automatically triggers two thoughts: I could have done better and something must be wrong.” Turns out, this tactic is equally applicable to dating. When you really think about it, dating is also a negotiation. Over time and with shared experience, you’re quietly establishing terms of a potential relationship, a contract of behavior, and expectations for treatment.

Say I am interested in purchasing a car from a neighbor and they’ve asked for $10k. Even though I’m willing and happy to pay the $10k asking price, I offer $8k. If they immediately accept, I’m going to be left with the two inevitable feelings: 1) I could have done better, and 2) Something must be wrong. Rather than just being happy I saved myself $2k, I’m going to wonder if I could have paid only $7k AND if something’s wrong with the car. Similarly, in regard to dating, you should hold out before accepting their initial pitch because more often than not, the first offer will also leave you uneasy and dissatisfied. To use the same analogy, if I am the car and I’ve determined my worth to be $10k, and my buyer (suitor) comes in at $14k, beware. Most likely, when I go to cash in on their grandiose offer, their check will bounce because its underwritten with hopes and dreams, not real equity. It’s the extravagant proclamation of that person’s representative rather than an accurate reflection of what they actually have to offer. As Frank Ocean puts it, it’s a beach house in Idaho.

I get it; It’s human nature to put your best foot forward when you’re trying to impress someone new. But why do we so often take it to the extreme? Why do we pull a Billy McFarland when we know we don’t even have running water on site? Are we not concerned that our new partner will notice something’s up when they get to the Bahamas and see it’s all a scam? Why do we give others our best sales pitches when we know in our hearts that we’re just selling dreams? Our representatives demonstrate an aggressive lack of self awareness. Is it that we naively think if we speak things out loud that they will come to fruition? Is it that we are temporarily inspired by our potential partner to be a better version of ourselves, so we become so drunk in lust that we sloppily belt out unrealistic promises and prophecies? What is it?

Personally, I don’t understand. I truly believe that with me, what you see is what you get (Please correct me if I’m wrong ex-suitors. I’m always open and eager for feedback.) Sure there’s some quirks and triggers and habits that will be revealed with time, but generally I try to present myself exactly as I am. If I’m available to text, talk, spend time with you week 1, I will be equally as available week 3, 7, 34, and two years in. If I say I get off on good communication, transparency and honesty at jump, I will continue to value these things forever. If I’m generous with my time, energy, money, etc. at the beginning, most likely I will be even more generous as time passes and my feelings develop further. The only time that I will change is in response to a change in the contract, i.e. a change in your behavior (or, of course, if we fall out of like). What good would it do for me to pretend to be an award-winning chef for a month and then you come to find out that I eat raw vegetables and hummus like a rabbit for the majority of my dinners? Who does it serve if I pretend not to shop like I run an international import/export business and then you see an endless stream of packages arriving at my door and I drag you to Nordstrom every weekend to “return a few things?” Who am I fooling if I tell you I’m a morning person when I average an 8:45am (plus a 20 – 60min snooze) wake up time, and I’m moderately evil if awoken during any hour earlier than the 8s?

It has happened to me so many times that a man rides out of the dark like my knight in shining armor, pretending to either have all the traits I long for or be close and amenable and open to compromise. They say “Yes! Let’s go on vacation,” “Yes! Let’s build together,” “Yes! I’m ready for a real relationship,” “Yes! I want what you want,” “Yes! I value communication,” “Yes! I am emotionally and logistically available,” “Yes! I want to abuse substances slightly less frequently” yes, yes, yes, yes. Then, we spend about a month or two growing together having a great time. My heart gets involved. I open up. I let myself get excited. I tell people about him. I start to fall. I accept his offer. And then BAM. He gets comfortable and his hopeful representative who made the exaggerated first offer quits his job. And not in the subtle Sarah Huckabee Sanders type of “I’ll-slowly-stop-doing-my-job-and-make-it-official-once-everyone-stops-looking-for-me” type of way. It’s often a more Omarosa-like approach, just a fuck-this-shit-I’m-out, leaving in his wake destruction and dismay. His new press secretary now sings a different ominous song: “I’m not sure I am ready for something real,” “I’m not in the mood to talk,” “I can’t go on vacation,” “I like my Sundays to myself, even though they’re one of only two days a week I’m ever free,” “I’m only available to speak during the small window of time after work but before my absurdly early bedtime,” “I’m going to smoke 3 blunts and drink 2 bottles of wine on this casual Wednesday evening,” and my personal favorite swan song “I don’t have the bandwidth right now.” (Honestly, how does everyone come up with the word ‘bandwidth’ independently?! I’m starting to think someone’s playing a sick joke on me.) And I can understand if the appeal wore off or if we got to know each other better and no longer want to pursue the relationship, but 9 times out of 10 that isn’t the case. The representative has simply resigned from office and the man who remains expects you to still hold the same level of interest even though you were sold a whole ass dream. They want you to be available in the same way you were, regardless of their drastic shift in behavior. 

For me, when this shift in energy happens, I typically don’t do well. In my head I’ve taken their first offer and committed to it. Now my heart is hurting because I can’t reconcile that the person can feel the same way about me yet no longer do many of the things they promised during the negotiation. I agreed to the terms of service under the guise of an entirely different set of circumstances. Essentially, they’ve now broken their end of our contract, but I’m not supposed to notice, care, or file for a dissolution. When I react and point it out or try to communicate about it, it’s turned on me as if I’m asking too much or being unreasonable. But is it too much to expect a person to maintain the initial behavior that made you fall for them in the first place? Because you believed wholeheartedly in their first offer, you’re now stuck wondering if you could do better and if something is wrong. 

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there is absolutely a honeymoon phase at the beginning of any relationship and then things eventually settle into a different groove. I have no issues with that. I actually love the groove stage – it’s much more comfortable for me than the start-up. My objections are simply to the false advertising. I need a Buyer Protection policy like eBay where I can get my money back if the product is not as it was described by the seller. Unfortunately for us, there is no policy like this for our hearts so we must be vigilant of the initial offer. Take it with a grain of salt and try to maintain reasonable expectations and watch and wait until their representative has left the building. Don’t get carried away with the fantastical and fleeting promises during the initial offer.  Pro-Tip: Be especially aware if you’re dating someone whose profession lends itself toward a better-disguised representative (i.e. actor, salesperson, lawyer, marketing exec… just saying)

And who knows, maybe you or I will one day be lucky enough to meet the representative who follows my dad’s business mantra: never over-promise and under-deliver. Always under-promise and over-deliver. I’d much rather be offered an average-ass fantasy only to see it develop into a radiant, fulfilling dream. But until then, don’t take that first deal. Wait it out and see what the second offer is, because while it may not be $4000 over asking price, it’s more likely to leave you feeling secure and fulfilled with your decision, should you choose to accept.