Singleness: An Epidemic

A month or so ago I went to a dinner with a group of 10 women. All between 29-33. All beautiful. All college educated. All successful with REAL careers. All in shape, well-dressed, intelligent, loving, kind, strong, funny, radiant. ALL SINGLE. All fucking single. All 10 of us.

Someone please explain to me how this is possible? Each of us works in a different industry, has a different background, is from a different area or state, AND most relevant- has a different preference in men.  And yet, not one of us has found our “one.”  There’s an epidemic as real and as terrifying as global warming happening (yes Donald, it’s real). It’s quite possible that this outbreak is limited to my small bubble in Los Angeles, but I have a feeling this is an issue more rampant than we’d like to admit.

So what’s the deal? Why are there so many of my kind wandering the world unattached? It’s not for lack of desire or disbelief in love. It’s not because of some glaring flaws or issues we haven’t sorted out. I’m beginning to believe that this singleness epidemic just may be the new world order.

Plot twist – I’m not going to blame men.

Cause #1 // We’ve Got Too Many Options

It seems we’ve taken the idea of not settling to an almost unattainable extreme. Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely do NOT support anyone accepting less than utter happiness. I think we all can and deserve to find someone who is our match and who adds to our lives in positive ways, and until we do, we are better off staying single. Where I think this has gone too far is in the idea that there is always someone better out there. Social media, technology, online dating, and transportation advances have increased the quantity of accessible potential mates exponentially. Now, when the guy I’m dating turns on Basketball Wives and is legitimately invested in the storyline, I can swipe through hundreds of replacements while he’s still sitting next to me on the couch commiserating with Evelyn’s man troubles. While this particular example is a obviously morally reprehensible and an unforgivable mistake, the point is that I can be on to the next in no time. It’s sick.

Back when our parents were dating, they could only meet the people they actually encountered naturally in the real, tangible world. Today we’re so inundated with options that it’s impossible to make a decision. And now, to demonstrate one of the few things I retained from a $120K Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from USC, I provide scientific evidence.

The Jam Experiment – On one day, shoppers at an upscale food market saw a display table with 24 varieties of gourmet jam. Those who sampled the spreads received a coupon for $1 off any jam. On another day, shoppers saw a similar table, except that only six varieties of the jam were on display. The large display attracted more interest than the small one. But when the time came to purchase, people who saw the large display were one-tenth as likely to buy as people who saw the small display. (read more here)

This experiment seemingly proves that customers presented with fewer choices are almost 10 times more likely to purchase compared with those who are shown many choices. If this isn’t the perfect analogy, I don’t know what is. The more options we have, the less likely we are to make a decision and roll with it. It used to just rain men, now it’s a category 4 torrential downpour of available dicks drowning our potential for true love… and just like global warming, WE CAUSED IT.

Cause #2 // We’re Optimistic

So you’re thinking, wait isn’t this a good thing? Shouldn’t we be optimistic and hopeful when looking for love? My answer is yes – but I think we need to reframe our approach to relationships. We have this delusional, fairy-tale belief that there is one right soulmate for us out there that will just seamlessly fit into our lives, complete us in every way, and make us understand why it never worked out with anyone else. And maybe some of you do, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I most likely do not. Or more likely – I already met him, but I left him on read after his 7th misuse of you’re/your over text.

I read a NY Times article once that was called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person” which admittedly sounds really grim. Despite several completely incoherent sentences, this article was actually eye opening af. The premise was essentially that we will all marry the wrong person, and that’s ok. The reason is that this concept of the “right” person is bogus. The big question is not who is right for you, but how much wrong  you can handle.

Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.”

While many of you may read this as pessimism, I read it as sheer brilliance. It’s not negative; it’s realistic. No one person can be your all. He will inevitably post a bad selfie, send you an un-funny meme, load the dishwasher wrong, play a Jason Derulo song, or wear an awful pair of shoes. And when the time comes, you can feel confident in knowing that his pair of Nike Cortez will not make or break your relationship, because you can stomach the bad-shoe-wearing brand of suffering.

Cause #3 // We’ve Lost Hope

Everyone knows the stats – 50% of marriages end in divorce. Justifiably, this scares the shit out of us. No one aspires to fail at marriage, raise kids in a broken home, or amass a collection of spouses before we die. Generally, I believe that the majority of young single people in this country still would like to end up in a happy, healthy, successful relationship and/or marriage. At the same time, we’ve become so hyper-sensitive to the possibility of failure that every red flag has morphed into a stop sign, and we get the hell out of Dodge the minute we smell trouble. (sidenote – what/where is Dodge?)

I can only assume that knowing the likelihood of failure prohibits many from even trying. To be honest, when presented with any opportunity that has a 50% chance of success, I’m going to be wary. Recently I’ve spoken to many single men about this topic and all have echoed this concern. For them, the potential ROI isn’t great enough to sacrifice what they see as their freedom and enter in a committed relationship with one woman. They prefer to maintain their vagabond status, only engaging in pseudo-relationships during cuffing season. 

Cause #4 // We’re Lazy

Perhaps you are one of the lucky few who has found a potential mate to at least attempt to settle down with and engage in relationship-like behaviors with. As if it weren’t difficult enough to find someone to even do the damn thing with, now you have to put in continued effort to maintain. Believe it or not, you have to do more than just show up. 

From my personal experience, this is the most daunting task of all. A successful relationship requires both parties to WORK – communicate, empathize, compromise, give, be patient, understand, speak their love language and so much more. Sad to say, there’s no app that can help us do this. There’s no uber-love that delivers what you’ll need to keep your partner happy and their love tank full (but if you can secure 1m in funding, I’d be happy to make it for you). We have to roll up our sleeves, put our Jimmy Choos in their dust bag, and get to work.

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So now that we understand the major pre-existing conditions, how do we cure this epidemic? Is the damage irreversible, or can we at least control the presenting symptoms enough that genuine relationships stand a chance?

Currently, I favor optimistic enthusiasm about what my future holds, but at least once every few weeks, utter disillusionment and temporary hopelessness rears its ugly head for a few minutes. Sometimes it’s summoned by a comment made by a friend, sometimes when I realize someone I’m interested in isn’t ready for what I want, and sometimes it arrives unprovoked and unannounced. However it comes, I know it will pass. I have to believe that love is not irreparably damaged.

In my heart, I believe that we can only combat this in one way. Each of us has to decide for ourselves that we want to do love the right way. We have to make a choice, not expect perfection from our partners, take a leap of faith, and then work our asses off to maintain that love. To quote an email from a robotic ex of mine, this ask is “reasonable and actionable” and we all need to band together to stop this outbreak. Despite the absolutely fuckery I’ve witnessed and experienced first hand, I wholeheartedly believe it’s not too late for us.